The Gummy Bear Conspiracy

As the hot, hazy days of Washington summer approaches I would like to discuss the conspiracy gripping our Chevy Chase branch. As all Washington D.C conspiracies begin, this one starts simply. The other day, I was typing away on a report I was preparing for the now ascended Paul V (see last blog entry for details) and I paused, as I so often do, for a little sugary mid afternoon treat.

But as my hand reached for the plastic carton of gummy bears that sit on my credenza, I realized there was nothing there.

"Where, oh where, could my Gummy Bears be!" I cried in horrified angst. "How could this happen?"

I rushed hurriedly through the office, frantic - obsessed even in trying to retrieve my dear multi-colored hibernating friends, when I came across her. It was Cynthia Mariz, agent / linguist extraordinaire (the woman does speak 5 languages). Holding the carton she stood defiant, "I have the Gummy Bears," she says, "Do not ask for them back. We have decided you do not need them and I am taking them away."

"We what?!"

"You heard me," she said, this time repeating the entire thing again this time in Portuguese just because she could. Confused and trying to keep my wits about me, Eva Arias (who - as a new agent just ratified her 3rd contract in 4 months), came to her side. "You are not aloud to eat these anymore!" She said, taking out a carton of something dark and grimy. "You shall have these."

"What are those?" I asked.

"Apricots," Eva said with the kind of confidence one would expect from a person with early career success. "But just not any apricots - organic apricots. They have less sugar!"

"Then what's the point!?" I asked, now completely undone. But, just then, the amazing Mark Rutstein himself came to my defense. And lets face it, if I were to have a defender, Mark Rutstein would be it.

"Please," he began with determined flare, "do not deprive Darrin of his sugar. After all, Darrin is always there for us when we need him, we must not be judgmental in how it is he keeps his energy. If he wants to destroy his summertime figure with such horrible, processed fake food, we must not stop him. He is our leader. We must not look down at him, even in his desire to destroy himself."

As I realized my doomed fate, understanding that I will no longer have my red, yellow, green cocktail delight, I went back to my office to finish my report, realizing that they do, after all, only have my best interest at heart - right? No, I decide. I shall be punitive in my sugarless state.

In so being, the following people shall not be forgiven - being marked as co-conspirators:

1) Dominique - by ordering the little monsters it is your fault I have incurred such dependence. Shame on you!

2) Reid - ever since you got your first listing after only being in the business a couple months you have been haughty, and therefore you cannot be trusted. And that little gift of collar stays, which I thought was such a nice gesture at the time - was really done to throw me off your scent. Alas, it will not work!

3) Haverty - enough said.

4) Ana Maria - infectious laughter. I-think-not. A nervous reaction in fear of getting caught? YES!

5) Sherman - anyone that goes away on vacation without taking me with them is enemy number on in my book. I don’t care how much business you do. Okay, let me rethink that. I do care. Okay, you’re off the hook. But will you stop pulling all nighters? It’s seriously not good for you.

6) Santiago - It's just easy to blame you for everything.

That’s it for now. Just to be clear, though, my investigation is not complete. Oh, yes, the day of reckoning will come!